Full Moon
by staceleo
Summary: What happens when the vampires leave town? They leave you with childish werewolves. A reimagining of New Moon. Book Two in the Incredibly Weird World of IM Swan Saga.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I told you I was going to rewrite New Moon. Wolves are too much fun to mock. I couldn't pass that up.**

 **I only accept nice Guest Reviews. That means I'll never see the mean ones, because I have Sally who deletes them.**

 **By the way, The Incredibly Weird World of IM Swan, the predecessor of this story, is up for top ten fics completed in August at Twilight Fanfiction Recommendations. Just in case you might want to vote. No pressure.**

 **Enjoy and you might get another chapter tomorrow. Hopefully.**

Prologue

This was not my dream Italian vacation.

What I should be doing is losing Alice in the sea of red robes, find a nice vineyard that is generous with free samples, and soak up the sights of the beautiful Italian countryside. I could also float on a gondola and be serenaded by some troubadour using a mandolin. That would be a nice trip.

I'm sure I would send Alice a thank-you card for the free vacation. Maybe. I always forget about those damn thank-you cards.

Unfortunately, I'm too damn nice and I'm going to have to save my ex-boyfriend from getting his head violently removed instead. Edward Cullen never deserved me.

I pushed myself through a bunch of drunk men dressed in red robes. What kind of religious ceremony is this shindig anyway? Or is it just some crazy costume party? I would ask, but I have no clue what anyone is saying. I can only say some curse words in Spanish.

I think one of them pinched my ass.

That is also Edward's fault. Stupid, vampire boy with esteem issues trying to keep me safe just put me in more danger. Not by the psycho vampire mafia, but by butt pinching Europeans.

There was so many people packed into this plaza that I felt like a sardine. I just kept pushing through and stepping on random strangers' feet to get them to move. That actually is kind of fun and the perfect stress relief.

Why is it so hot? I need shorts and a gelato. If Alice was actually a good fortune teller, she should have known this and provided some cool relief for me.

An old woman bumped into me and started spitting at me. I think it was a curse. It really didn't faze me. I was surrounded by vampires, the worst named Edward, who annoyed me by making stupid decisions about my future without consulting me. How could it get any worse? Some boils? Warts? That's child play compared to dealing with the undead.

I moved away from the irate elderly woman and saw something sparkle poke out from a darkened entrance of a building that surrounded the area that the robed festival goers congregated. I think it was Edward's nose.

With a new found purpose to berate him for not using that brain of his, I stomped toward his glittery nose. I found myself moving a bit quicker when I saw him wearing a robe as well. It was falling open at the waist and there was a slight possibility of Edward being naked under that ugly thing. Maybe if I save him, he'll let me check out the goods? I think I deserve a reward for rescuing him and—

A little girl started tittering in high pitched sounds that reminded me of a dying pigeon and pulling on her mother's leg. She was looking right at Edward as he was stepping into the light and removing his robe.

I sprinted to him gasping. There was no way anyone was going to see him naked, but me. I mean, I had to stop vampires from making a whole town into a buffet.

I was like Batgirl. A very out of shape Batgirl. I should probably start playing a sport or something.

Still I had to get there in time, because Edward had removed his robe and was the sexist, sparkling prince in Italy. That beautiful ass was going to get us all killed.

God, today sucked.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I'm sweet. Here's another.**

Chapter 1

My grandmother shouldn't be in the meadow. She was six feet underground in the Arizona desert next to Grandpa. Yet, her she was wearing her moth chewed cardigan paired with a tee-shirt that was covered in images of cardinals. It was an outfit I was familiar with from my youth. Grandma used to sit me in front of the television while she used to watch her soap operas while wearing that ensemble. I remember sucking on the hard sugar-free cookies she used to give me trying to eat them. They tasted like sawdust that was fused together to make a disgusting snack to torture children with.

Grandma was staring at all the flowers looking confused and wistful. She picked up a bloom and started sucking on it. This was also a normal action for her. My mom was exactly the same. Flightiness and fits of oddness was part of the genes on my maternal side. Luckily, it skipped a generation with me or it was simply that I have more amazing Swan genes coursing through my veins.

"Grandma, you need to get home," I cautiously approached her. She didn't look like a zombie, but she was supposed to be dead. Even after the embalming process, Grandma should be decaying about now. Her skin should at least be covered by a bad make-up job by the coroner.

She just continued to nibble on petals. Maybe I was completely wrong about dead things that weren't vampires. It appeared they were mindless vegetarians.

"How did you get here?" I asked her. She didn't answer. Instead she bent over and picked more flowers. "Who put you on a plane?"

"I've been looking for you everywhere," Edward called as he came up to us.

I pointed at Grandma. "I've been dealing with a zombie granny here. Is this more supernatural mumbo jumbo that I have to deal with?"

He took Grandma's arm. "You had me worried. You shouldn't wander off like that."

"Edward, did you bring my grandmother here? She's supposed to be dead!" This was just going too far.

He wrapped his hands in her white curls that made a helmet of fluff around her skull. "Darling."

Edward started making out with my grandmother in front of me.

"Damn it, Ed! Why are you making out with Grandma? I knew you were a weird, old vampire man, but—" I tried to pull him off, but my hand just went through him. "I'm a ghost? Oh come on!"

My cheating vampire pulled away slowly, "Bella, my love."

That was me?

Elderly Bella had a string of slobber running down her face as she looked at him blankly.

I woke up screaming.

It was not a good start of the day.

XXXXXX

I had just walked into the kitchen when Charlie stuck a cup of coffee in my hand. "You look grumpier than usual, kid."

"Nightmare."

"Ghost, vampires, goblins?" Charlie asked.

I took a swig of java and shook my head. "Those things aren't scary. I dreamed I was becoming Grandma."

"Which side?"

"Mom's." I sat at the kitchen table and stared tiredly at a box of Cheerios.

Charlie appropriately shuddered. "That is terrifying."

"Then Edward started making out with Grandma. Which I think was the old me," I told him.

"Gross." Charlie sat down next me and held up the cereal box. "Want some?"

"No. I don't have much of an appetite this morning." My mouth tasted like dirt. "That dream was disgusting."

"Was Edward old too?"

I placed my head on the table. "Nope. He was young and liking the extremely old cougars."

"Always knew something was off with that boy." Dad poured milk in his bowl. "Weird kid."

There was a knock on the door.

"If you only knew, Pop." I got up to get the door. "Speaking of the devil."

I answered the door and Edward held out an extra large cup from the local coffee shop. He quickly gave me a little kiss before my dad noticed. "Caffeine isn't really good for you, but I thought you could use it."

Of course, he knew. My creepy stalker was just watching me having a nightmare. He was probably sniffing me for good measure. My lazy cat didn't even bother hissing at him to go away.

Dad stood up with his bowl and narrowed his eyes at Edward. "Morning, boy. I don't want to see you around the senior citizen center."

"Good morning, sir. Wait . . . What?" Edward looked at my father with an expression of complete and total confusion.

"Going to watch the news with my breakfast, Bella. You have a good day now, ya hear?" He kissed the top of my head and gave Edward one final glare before heading to the family room.

Edward watched my dad with wide eyes. "What did I do?"

"Hooked up with my grandma, Grandpa." I patted his shoulder and kissed his cheek. "I will absolutely not grow old while you stay looking like that, sweet stuff. Consider that notice about the timetable for keeping me sprightly."

XXXXXX

 _Romeo and Juliet_ is stupid.

I was falling asleep at my desk while the sixties movie version played, until Mike Newton shouted, "I just saw Juliet's boob!"

I opened one eye and saw Mrs. Harris muttering to herself. She must have forgotten to fast forward past that part.

Edward whispered to me, "Isn't it so romantic?"

"Yes. Juliet's breasts are romantic. You want to go to the band room and get romantic together?" I inquired. Anything was better then watching this jumble of Shakespearean teenage angst.

"I mean the moving play this movie is based on, Isabella," he huffed. "All you care about is sex."

"I also care about watching reality tv," I reminded him. "Zombie movies are also a concern."

Edward turned his chair to face me. "You don't have one romantic bone in your body."

I poke my pencil at him. "I do not. You know this."

"I can't believe you can't see the power of their story!"

'I can't believe you don't see how their childish actions got them both killed. They were dumb kids that saw things through lust addled brains and hormones run amuck, Cullen. You're too old to think that any of this anything but ridiculous," I told him. "Shakespeare was on drugs when he wrote this mess."

He rolled his eyes at me. "You're just a child. You obviously know nothing about the power of death and how their love—"

Then it dawned on me what he was trying to do.

"You're using this stupid movie to convince me about your stupid future plan!" I loudly whispered.

He took my hand and squeezed it. "Shh! My plan is brilliant. We will always be together."

"No. We will rot and become one with the universe and not each other. If your religion is real, Edward, we won't be together anyway. You kill yourself and you'll go to Hell." I stepped on his foot and he smirked at me.

"That didn't hurt, my love." He smiled bigger. "You can try again if you want."

"Miss Swan and Mr. Cullen, no more chit chat," Mrs. Harris reprimanded us.

I stood up and gave Edward a dirty look. "I need to go to bathroom."

"Bella—"

"I'm done talking to you." I stomped up to Mrs. Harris and grabbed the hall pass out of her hand.

Once I got outside of the room, I headed to the staircase and hid under the stairs to fume about Edward. He was so infuriating. I wonder if Carlisle knew a vampire psychiatrist for his golden boy's suicidal tendencies. I'm sure Dr. DILF had to know someone. Maybe Dracula had a degree in psychology.

"I'm sorry," Edward peeked under the stairs. He sat down beside me.

"I was trying to get away from you." I buried my head in my arms.

His fingers were stroking my hair. "I know. I felt terrible for making you mad."

"You should. I don't like thinking about you killing yourself," I truthfully told him as I looked up. "Suicide is dumb."

He held my chin. "Before you, it was always something I thought about. I was so lonely."

"You have me now, Edward. You need to stop thinking like that. You have the possibility to have a forever with me, but instead you're planning on our funerals." I sighed. "It's not okay with me. You have to let me have a say in our joint future."

"It's not that easy." He took his finger and moved it against my lips. "Have I told you that you have the prettiest lips?"

"You're trying to distract me from an important conversation, mister."

"Hmm?" He hummed before kissing me. I was pulled onto his lap, almost bumping the top of my head on the underside of the stairs. He held me tightly against him, as he kissed me deeply. I felt his hand stroke my breast. It was awesome.

I pulled away and breathlessly asked, "Was that an accident?"

"Was that a good accident?" He asked shyly.

"Oh yes. Accidentally do that again, please." I placed his hand on my boob and he kissed me again while he massaged it.

It felt incredible. I could do this all day. Every day.

"Bella! Edward! Stop being naughty under there!" Alice trilled as she knelt down to look at us. "Hot! You two are slowly making it to second base!"

I was certain I hated Alice at this moment.

"Go away, Al," I said. I turned back to Edward. "Ignore her and let's round some more bases."

"We have to plan your party! It's lunchtime!" She told us as she pulled me off of Edward.

Edward groaned. "Alice, Bella doesn't want a party."

I did, just not with a bunch of vampires. Emmett and Rosalie weren't ready yet to let Eric and Angela know their vampire secret so they weren't going to be able to go to Casa Cullen. It would be just me and Cullens. Dealing with Jasper's snide remarks and Rosalie critiquing everything about me was not my idea of a fun shindig.

Anyway, Dad was letting me have a sleepover with Angela which was party enough for me.

"It's going to be a blast! I'm going to get balloons and a huge cake!" She started bouncing.

"Chill out, Tigger. This isn't Pooh Corner and I'm the only one who eats people food," I reminded her. "Just buy me something expensive and be done with it.

"This party is going to change your life," she promised.

Edward took my hand and whispered in my ear, "It might be fun. We can go to my room and try some more second base."

He nibbled on the skin of my ear and a giggle escaped me. He made me such a damn girl. I reluctantly agreed, "Fine."

There was, however, a feeling of something not right that filled me. This party might change my life, but I was thinking it wasn't going to be for the better.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hi. It is time for what you've all been dreading to begin.**

 **Enjoy!**

Chapter 2

"What _are_ you wearing?" Alice was standing in the Cullen living room surrounded by silver and gold balloons. Her tight dress was silver to match her decorations.

"Did you rob a circus? Are there some poor clowns weeping by the cotton candy stand? Their white make-up streaking down their faces would frighten the children even more than the fact that they are clowns which is the scariest thing of all." I looked at Edward who was smirking next to me. "Did you know that your sister wants to join the circus? These decorations are a cry for help. I think we should have her join Ringling Brothers as a psychic. She's terrible at it, but no one goes to a circus clairvoyant for accuracy."

Alice was twitching in anger. Edward shook his head at me. "I'm staying out of this."

"Wimp."

"Where is the dress I bought you, Isabella Swan?" She stomped her foot. "It fit my theme!"

"Is your theme Studio 54? The seventies are long over, Bee Gees lover." I saw a bowl full of chips. "Snacks!"

"Bella, where is the dress," she repeated seething.

Alice had some good attributes that occasionally popped out of nowhere, but mostly she drove most people and vampires insane. She had Edward dressed up in a fancy suit that made him look less like a sexy teenager and more like an undertaker in designer duds. It was her master plan to make me into a flat chested Barbie. There was no way Alice would ever get her color-coordinated wish.

I grabbed a handful of potato chips. "Rumpled up on my floor. It didn't fit."

"Of course, it did! I measured you in your sleep," Alice admitted with no shame. She laughed at my scowl. "Don't be too angry at me. Edward watched the whole time. I'm surprised he didn't videotape it for repeat viewing."

Edward gasped, " _I did not_!"

"I'm sure you didn't stare, Cullen. I have a feeling it was more like peeking between your fingers." I plopped down on the couch. "Al, it was too tight. I couldn't eat my weight in cake in that thing."

"Edward would have liked it," she informed me with a smirk. " _Really_ liked it."

"She's safer in that ugly tee-shirt and those hideous sweatpants," Edward solemnly added. "It will help me control myself.

Damn it. Yet—

I shoved the chips in my mouth and began to talk with my mouth full. It drove him crazy and, truthfully, I think Edward found my lack of manners sexy. "Pumpkin, you aren't Mr. Blackwell with his best dressed list. You aren't even the Fashion Police. Enjoy the amazingness of my elastic waist pants, Edward my sweet. I shall eat my weight in the birthday cake that the rest of you will be ignoring. Where _is_ the rest of you, by the way?"

Alice put her hands on her hips and glared at me. "Putting on their color coordinated ensembles I set out for them."

"Those losers need to start standing up to you, tiny dictator," I informed her. "You are about the same small stature as Napoleon. It works."

"You aren't going to matc—" Alice started to badger me.

Edward sat next to me and threw an arm around my neck. "I got you something."

"Cool. A vibrator?"

He squeezed the bridge of his nose. "Isabella, could you try to get your mind out of the gut—"

"I was joking, Cullen."

"Oh." He kissed the top of my head.

"I already have one." I felt Edwards stiffen up at my words. "One's enough."

I gave him a smirk. He grinned back. "You're messing with me."

"Always."

"It kind of makes me want to take you upstairs to my room," he told me and squeezed my knee.

"Even in my horrible sweatpants?"

"They are actually surprisingly alluring, Miss Swan." Edward leaned his lips toward mine.

Rosalie's screeching voice filled the room. "Making out with your food is revolting, Edward. Don't you think, Jasper?"

"It's not too bad actually. Gets their blood pumping." Jasper gave a little grin. "How's it going, Firestarter?"

"Fabulous. Where's my gift?" My hands were covered with potato chip grease. It would be a shame to wipe it all over this snow white furniture. It always amazed me that vampires whose favorite beverage was blood picked all this pale furnishings. It stained worse than red wine. Maybe Alice or Esme liked that the couches matched their ghostly complexions. I wiped my hands on Edward's fancy slacks instead.

Edward looked down at the grease stain. "Bella! I need to go and soak my pants now!"

"Obviously, that's the only way I can get you out of them," I muttered.

There was a chuckle at my words and I looked up to see Emmett. He passes me a wine glass and whispered, "Don't tell the pretend parents, but I spiked your sparkling cider."

A silver lighter landed on my lap. It was engraved with images of stars, moons and the name Buffy. It was beautiful and I knew exactly what it was for. Jasper said with a bow. "It's just a little something for the human monster from the vampire one."

"Jasper, you are quite the gift giver. You know me too well."

He gave a little smirk. "It was the only thing to give a little smart ass slayer."

There was a crash as Rosalie knocked over a stack of interior design coffee table books. They scattered all over the floor ruining Alice's perfectly staged party set-up.

The demented blonde stomped her foot so hard that it dented the floor. "We decided we hate her, Jasper Whitlock!"

"I didn't say I like her, Rosie." Jasper shrugged. "The child is just more interesting now that she's killing things. We have something in common."

That was disturbingly touching.

Esme rushed out of the kitchen with a tray full of some sort of kabobs. "What is going on in here? The pages of my books are getting creased!"

She was followed in by Carlisle who carried in another tray with something that reeked. He shook his head sadly. "Rosalie, can you please try to curb your temper? This is Isabella's celebration. My dear, would you like a quesadilla?"

Dr. DILF held out the tray and the smell was even worse. I glanced at the kabobs. They were shriveled up pieces of meat and veggies that were stuck on sticks. I think that the Cullens were attempting to poison me.

Carlisle whispered in my ear, "Don't eat it. Esme is so proud of them, but they're full of salmonella. I didn't want to hurt her feelings."

"Where did you get this food?" I asked. The idea of sticking that mess into my mouth made me want to gag.

"I found some of it in the frozen food aisle and I made the kabobs myself," Esme told me proudly. "I was so excited about catering your birthday dinner I picked everything up a couple months ago."

The food looked and reeked like something she found in a dumpster.

"Umm . . . thanks?" My stomach had already started flipping and flopping at the thought of consuming any of it.

Rosalie gave me a wicked grin. "It's been sitting on the counter for two months. Can you imagine the mold that has been forming on it? Eat up, human."

"I'll eat it if you dare me," Emmett suggested helpfully. "I'm going to end up throwing it up anyway."

Edward pulled me up off the couch. "She will not be eating plates full of food poisoning. I thought I told you to get the party catered? Encouraging Esme like this is going to make all of Forks violently ill one day."

Both Emmett and Rosalie found that idea hysterical.

Esme pouted, "I show my love by cooking for sweet Bella."

Actually, her love is going to make me die of some rotten food disease.

"I think maybe present opening is safer at the moment," My knight in shining armor suggested.

"Did you get me a new car?" An antique table was covered with gifts covered in shiny, metallic wrapping paper with coordinating bows. They, of course, matched the rest of Alice's insane party design. This lady needed a new hobby.

Turning to me with a look of shock, Edward wrapped his arms around me. "You _actually_ want a car?"

"Have you seen that scrap metal I've been trying to drive? Hell yes, I want a new car." I poked him on the nose. "Jewelry, however, just will be stuck in the box forever."

He started rubbing his temple looking like he was in pain.

I pointed out helpfully, "You do realize you can't get headaches."

"Yet somehow you manage to give me one." He kissed my head. "I kind of enjoy it. You make me feel alive."

Alice hopped over and handed me a small box, interrupting our moment. "This is from me!"

I could smell stinky perfume through the paper. "Thanks, Al. I—"

As I started opening the paper, Alice got that weird look on her face like she was in a trance. It lasted only a moment. She then screamed, "Stop!"

It was way too late. I had sliced my finger on the paper. It was just a tiny paper cut, but as I went to cover it with one of Alice's fancy cocktail napkins, Jasper made this growl that sounded like a baby lion cub. Edward's nose flared in response and I was pushed into one of Esme's pointless glass tables. The table wasn't what caused the next problem. It was the glass vase that was filled with lilies that had shattered on the floor that I landed on. My arm was sliced open by a jagged piece of it causing a bloody mess on the floor. It really hurt.

It was a horrible series of events that ruined my birthday.

Edward had Jasper up against one of the glass walls. Their nostrils flaring as they looked ready to kill each other. Of course, it might be more likely the one they wanted to kill was me. With the exception of Carlisle, it appeared that all the vampires wanted to devour me. They looked ravenous.

Carlisle gently helped me up and addressed his family, "I think you all should go out and hunt. I'll fix Bella up and clean up the mess."

Edward snarled, "Why _are_ you touching her?"

"I'm going to give her stitches and she'll be good as new. You aren't any help to her now in your condition, son. Come back in thirty minutes." Carlisle led me to the stairs as the chorus of hungry growling made a macabre soundtrack to the evening. It was pretty cool. I was living in a really hysterical horror flick.

As we headed up, I heard Alice call, "I'm so sorry, Bella! You smell delicious, by the way!"

"Worst psychic ever, Alice!" I yelled in return.

XXXXXX

"Why do you have a painting of the crypt keepers on your wall, Dr. C?"

Hanging in an ornate frame, was a painting of the ugliest trio of vampires in Halloween costumes I had ever seen. Their stringy hair, albino colored skin, and red eyes worked well with ruffled shirts and velvet waistcoats. They looked like a really bad Renaissance fair actors.

Carlisle glanced up with a smile. "Those vampires are the ruling members Volturi. They make the laws that govern us all. They aren't the greatest rulers, but for now they are all we've got to have a semblance of order for our kind."

"Really? They look like extras from the movie of Anne Rice's _Interview with a Vampire_."

Carlisle laughed right as he was doing a stitch on my arm.

"Ouch, Doc!"

"I'm sorry, my dear." He patted my hand and went to work on the next one.

I continued to look at the creepy trio. "I thought vampires were supposed to be hot. Those three must have been really nasty looking humans if that's the improvement."

The doctor smirked as he continued to work on me. "Our appearances do improve a bit, but not to the degree some would like to allude to. I'm sure you've noticed that my kind has inflated egos occasionally."

"Occasionally? Have you actually spent time with your family?"

Carlisle laughed harder and I winced again. He looked embarrassed. "I apologize. I don't usually laugh this much while I'm working."

"You're welcome, Doc."

He began wrapping my arm, his smile fading away. "Isabella, I wonder if you're really sure you want to be like us?"

"A vampire?" I had been thinking about it a lot lately. "Yes. I mean, of course, it would help avoid situations like this. More importantly, I love Edward. I won't stay with him if I have to grow old and watch him stay young. It isn't fair."

"Your soul?"

"My soul is either going to be there or not. I'm not religious, Carlisle. Not even a little bit. I don't know the mysteries of this world. I mean I'm surrounded by vampires. Who would ever believe that? It would be wrong of me to think so highly of myself that I know everything. What one thing I do know, for sure, is that I love Edward. It's all I need." I looked down at my hands and saw Carlisle grab one of them.

With a light squeeze, Carlisle said, "I like you very much, young lady. It would be an honor to have you in my family. I'll talk to Edward."

XXXXXX

The car ride back to my house was silent. Edward wouldn't even touch my hand.

Finally, I spoke up, "Get over it."

"You could have died."

"You overreacted again, Cullen."

He gripped the steering wheel. "Jasper was going to eat you alive."

"No. He made a weird noise. If you let me cover my small cut, instead of manhandling me and making a bigger wound, it wouldn't have happened."

Edward turned and glared at me. "You know nothing."

"Fuck you, Cullen. I do know things. You aren't the all-knowing blood sucker," I scoffed in return. "You're more Bill Compton than Eric Northam. You need to _think_ about that."

He growled. "You cannot compare me to that ridiculous _True Blood_."

"Sure I can. They are so much cooler and actually have sex! Which is not the point at all, but why did you have to push me? I mean that really hurt. I know you were _trying_ to protect me, but—" I was so mad at him right now. I was burning up with anger. My thoughts were all over the place. "Keep your eyes on the damn road."

"My eyes _are_ on the damn road," he hissed in return. "Stop making me upset."

"You need to stop making _me_ upset," I countered. He was making me feel confused and not myself.

Edward Cullen was making me weak.

The car stopped abruptly. "We're here, Bella."

"Are you coming up tonight?" I asked.

"No. I need to be with the family." He looked out the windshield . "I'll drop off your gifts later."

"I don't want the gifts. I want to talk this out." I took his face in my hands and turned it toward me. "Edward."

He softened slightly. "We'll talk tomorrow. Your father is waiting. You should get in there."

"Kiss me. That's all I want for my birthday."

The kiss Edward gave me was passionate causing my body to shiver. It also filled me with dread.

He leaned over and opened my door. His face turned hard again. "Goodnight, Isabella."

"Night."

I got out of the car and watched him pull away. I knew without a shadow of a doubt.

That son of a bitch was going to break up with me.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

"I hope they didn't come down with that stomach flu that's going around," Angela stated. "I heard that Lauren has it."

The Cullen Clan was missing from school and there wasn't even a ray of sunshine in sight on this cloudy day. This was the perfect type of rainy weather that would send the fake siblings to the school for some unneeded learning. They should be sitting here in the cafeteria with the rest of us and looking nauseated at today's mystery meat. Instead, they were gone and we weren't being subjected to their judging faces.

Something rotten was happening in the town of Forks.

Eric kept looking down at his cell phone. "Rosalie won't answer any of my texts or calls."

Angela picked at the food on her tray. "I should bring Emmett some ginger ale and crackers. That aways helps me when I get sick. Or would soup be better? For when his stomach is feeling better?"

"I wouldn't bother," I told her. On my plate, I had created an Edward mashed potatoes sculpture out of the cold slimy spuds. "They won't be there. I'm pretty sure we're getting dumped, kids. A collective dumping by a group of jerks."

That Spud Edward was looking at me with his condescending potato eyes. I plunged a green bean in his throat.

"What are you talking about, Bella?" Eric looked at me with a face full of worry.

"Edward. It's all Edward's fault." I grabbed the knife and started stabbing Spud Edward. "Die, Ed, die!"

Angela grabbed my hand as mashed potatoes flew all over the table. "Bella, I think you might be getting whatever this plague is too. You're sounding delusional. Dr. and Mrs. Cullen wouldn't just move because—"

"They would do whatever that gaggle of spoiled brats told them to. Edward is the worst of all." I poked my fork at her. "I think we should burn their house. That family is anti-bonfire. It will be cathartic."

"That's extreme and illegal," Ang pointed out.

"Indeed it is. No worries. I have a connection in law enforcement and that connection is Charlie. He'll lend us a match."

Eric just stared at me in shock.

I continued my rant, "We can make 'smores in the flames and smear our sticky fingers on Esme's stupid garden gnomes."

Angela looked at her hands. "I've gone from worried Emmett'e sick to confused about the crazy coming out of your mouth. I'm sure there's some explanation. Why don't you explain why you think we're all getting dumped and the Cullens are moving away? What did Edward say to you last night, Bella?"

Sweet, practical Angela couldn't handle why I thought the Cullens are high tailing it out of Forks. There was no way she could deal with Jasper wanting to eat me. Vampires in Forks? Angela would think I've lost my damn mind. That would have been Emmett's job to tell her, but he was too much of a fat jerk to do it.

"Angela, please just trust my instincts on this one. I would have been better off spending my birthday like I usually do watching bad slasher movies. Those movies would have had happier endings than my night with Edward ended up being." I glanced over to see Eric on his phone again. He was on the cusp of a panic attack. "Eric, breathe."

He slowly put the phone onto the table. "Her phone has been disconnected."

Tears started running down the guy's face. Eric was going to be impossible to deal with.

Angela grabbed the phone off the table and started dialing. Slowly she shook her head, and whispered, "Emmett's phone too."

She started to look weepy, so I decided to shut that emotion down. "Don't you dare cry, Ang. There's a far better emotion to be having right now."

As Eric whimpered, Angela asked, "What?"

"Fucking anger."

XXXXXX

That son of a bitch was waiting for me when I got home from school. He just stood there in my driveway wearing that grandpa suit from last night looking like a condescending statue.

"Can we take a walk?"

That was the first thing he had to say to me?

Oh hell no.

"You can take a fucking walk off a high bridge, Cullen." I glared at his stupid, handsome face. "Shouldn't you be in Russia where its cold like your heart? You can snack on vodka infused locals."

"You know we're leaving? Did Alice contact you?" He looked frustrated.

"I have a functioning brain. I figured this bullshit out all on my own." I leaned against my truck. "Get it over with. I'm missing _Judge Judy_ right now."

Edward squeezed the bridge of his nose. "Your father should be on his way home. I think it would be best to go into the woods to have our discussion. You'll need him afterwards."

"To discover my corpse in the woods?"

He glared at me. "No, Isabella."

I stomped toward the trees. "I swear you are the lamest vampire ever."

Like a spooky ghost he noiselessly followed me deep into the woods. The fact he made no noise was now added to things about Edward that pissed me off. It would have been fine before, but now everything he did in my eyes was ridiculous.

I sat down on the trunk of a fallen tree and crossed my arms. A branch was sticking me in my ass making my mood even fouler.

"Isabella, our time has come—"

"Nice knowing you, Ed. I hope you have a super undead eternity. Remember not to snack on babies, because it's not cool." I flicked a bug off my jeans. "I think we're done here."

His mouth dropped open. "What just happened?"

"What just happened is that I broke up with you, Ed."

"I was going to break up with you!" He looked absolutely flummoxed. "I have a speech."

"You snooze, you lose. Too bad, Ed." I stood up and wiped off the back of my jeans. "I'm off to have a beer. I think I've earned it."

He took a hold of my arm. "Stop calling me 'Ed'!"

"You're my ex-boyfriend. I can call you whatever I want," I informed him with a fake smile. I wanted to wring his very pale neck.

"Don't you want to hear why I'm leaving?"

"Nah. I'm sure my human girl ability to bleed has lost its appeal. That's life," I said. "I will survive without you bossing me around."

"Actually, I was going to say that you were a distraction and I am becoming bored with the challenge of dating a human." Edward took my chin in his hand to tilt my face toward his. "I enjoyed our time together. It was an experience I will never forget. My family must move on now. It is time I settle down and find my mate. You now must move on and truly enjoy the rest of your days by getting married, having childr—"

"Stop touching me." I pulled away, grabbed a stick, and pointed it at him. "How dare you, Count Chockula! Married and children? No thanks, pal. I'm going to have a thriving career, a kick ass apartment, and the ability to do whatever I want. More importantly, don't you dare make me feel bad about myself. Have you ever killed another of your kind? No, you have not. This weak, little girl did what you couldn't."

"I know you did, but that was luck. Isabella, you are a fragile creature and I could break your neck with my pinkie finger." He shook his head at me. "Being near my family will be your undoing."

"Because you won't make me a vampire."

He closed his eyes and sighed. Slowly they reopened and he looked at me with a sad smile. "No. I don't see an eternity with you. You need to keep your soul intact. I need to stay with my own kind. You'll always be a potential dinner to me."

Edward shattered my heart into a million, jagged pieces.

The thing about me is I wouldn't let that destroy me. I had no time for tears. I would how ever make myself stronger.

"You, Ed, are a coward. Go ahead and run away with your family. I don't need someone who thinks he's better than me. Let me tell you some truths, Cullen. I'm going to be fine without you. I don't need someone reminding me of the faults he _thinks_ I have. I came into this town tough-as-nails and meaner than a snake before I met you and I'll be even tougher when you leave. I killed a monster and lived. I dealt with you and stayed confident in my abilities. I'm a fucking rock star." I zipped up my sweatshirt and added, "Please inform Emmett and Rosalie that they are cowards too. You don't just disappear from people's lives. It's cruel. At least you manned up and faced me."

"Isabella, I—" He tried to take my hand, but I shoved them into the pockets of my sweatshirt before he could get them.

He was scared and running away. The fact he was making me feel bad about myself to do it was an asshole move. There was no way I was going to beg him to grow up and stay with me.

"Don't say sorry. Good-bye, Edward." I held my head up high.

He whispered, "I will forever think of you fondly."

"Don't bother." I gave him the middle finger. "Think of this instead and the high probability of me losing my virginity to Tyler instead."

"Oh Isabella," Edward sighed, before he disappeared into the trees.

I huffed and headed back to my house.

I hated Edward Cullen as much as I loved him. Emotions were for morons.

I stumbled over a root.

I loved him so much that my hate was festering inside me like a boil ready to explode.

My foot hit a large rock and I stubbed my toe.

"Ow! Stupid asshole Edward."

I would use my hate to write angry stories about emo, bossy vampires that get flambéed.

A tree branch hit me in the face.

This break-up in the forest was all his fault! My injuries were all his doing.

My heart hurt the most. Somehow, Cullen was going to pay for this.

I tripped on a stick and as my face headed to the ground, I had one final thought before everything faded to black, "Damn it, Edward!"


End file.
